He has given an awful lot to charity, he defined our childhoods….BUT!
He subsequently ruined them too.
Today I found out Disney (the now total owner of everything nerdy I hold dear) has shut down the Lucasarts game company and, in turn cancelled Star Wars 1313, Battlefront 3 etc.
Which has become the straw that broke the Bantha’s back, cos let’s face it we’ll never get back that feeling, you know the one, that sense of awe and beauty that episodes 4,5 and 6 created, the one that wasn’t diminished by the 1994 re-releases and upgrades, the one that was flat out destroyed by a combination of Anakin’s ghost being replaced by Hayden whatshisface and the bad choice of re-dubbing over Jeremy Bulloch and Jar Jar.
What.The.Fuck? and I ask this not just for me but for any Star Wars fan over the age of about 21. Star Wars rocked the world! Empire Strikes back is the Godfather Part 2 of Sci-Fi films. Anakin’s decline into darkness was easily explained by ghost Obi-Wan, we didn’t need to see it, and certainly not covered in CGI like a badly made ice cream sundae.
Episode One started off really well in my opinion, young Obi-Wan and his badass master Qui Gonn on a diplomatic mission, assassination attempt, droids, quips, escape. Yay awesome! Then: “Mesa Jar Jar Binks” illiterate, moronic, frog alien, sidekick, Followed by dumb plot, immaculately conceived boy, the force being a chemical imbalance, short race, AWESOME villain fight, more bullshit plot, capped off with a fucking brilliant three-way lightsaber duel in which the awesome bad guy DIES? He could’ve been the villain all the way through! Followed by more useless plot crap. WHY DO YOU HATE US LUCAS?!
Episode Two promised to be the start of the greatest war in the Star Wars lore. Any Star Wars fan that knew anything about the extended universe knew that the Clone War was one of the coolest conflicts in the galaxy far far away’s history. They pulled out all the stops, Jango Fett, Samuel L Windu, Christopher Lee! Yoda with a lightsaber! and promptly fucked all that up too. Throwing in wussy Hayden whatshisface to play Anakin as badly as possible, revealing…wait…. REVEALING BOBA FETT’S FUCKING IDENTITY! The whole point of the background character that became a fan favourite was that no one actually knew who he really was or what he really looked like, we know now that he looks like (the admittedly awesome) Temuera Morrison. Fuck George, some mystery please…please?! Throw in a bunch of pretty useless and short lived battles where you pretty much gave every alien idea you ever had a robe and a lightsaber and killed them all off. Add one cool battle between Yoda and Dooku, cut Anakin’s hand off, frowned upon marriage, roll credits. Leave Greg sitting in the cinema with his friends going “what the fuck was that?” Where the hell was the war? Oh I have to watch a whole kids cartoon series to see that? Fuck You! I’ll stick with the Genndy Tartakovsky short toons.
Episode three I’ve seen maybe twice, I remember from the beginning of the Anakin vs Obi-Wan mega fight all the way up to the “Noooooooooo” and the credits. So basically I remember the best or most important plot points of that two and a half hour sum up, that’s all episode three was. It’s “oh shit we have one film to connect all the dots up in” so they make Anakin evil in about 20 minutes, they reveal the terribly hidden secret that Palpatine was Emperor Palpatine from episode six (could they at least have hidden the name or something?), kill off Windu (why?!) Bring Chewie in for all of 10 minutes, Yoda runs away to Dagobah, Obi-Wan fucks Anakin up, Emperor makes him Vader, Padme gives birth to Luke and Leia, dies and that last little tacked on “Qui Gonn knows how to be a blue ghost, might be helpful for the next film”, roll credits. Cue an entire community of Star Wars fans going “Fuck You George Mother Fucking Lucas”.
George plans episode seven, we all worry ourselves stupid, George sells to Disney, we worry less or more depending on our opinions of Disney over George, Disney cancels Lucasarts games, Greg starts building his own Death Star/Lightsaber/Clone Army
Thank you George Lucas for Episodes 4,5 and 6 and the joy they brought before you went in and fucked up the little details that made them special to me and millions of others.
As for 1,2 and 3? Thank you for Darth Maul and Mace Windu, you dick.
